| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2005|08:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No lies just love- Bright Eyes | ] |
Ya know...life fucking sucks...the more I think about it the more I realize it. Nothing I do is right. I'm not saying this because I want sympathy. I got a journal to write down my thoughts so thats what i'm doing.
I would really like to know why my family doesn't give a shit about me. Alls I've ever wanted was to be good enough for them, but I'm not. I just seems like I'm not good enough for anyone. Not even my girlfriend. She says she feels worthless...If I can't make her feel good about herself then whats the point in even trying to live anymore?
We got in a big fight today...it was my fault...And I said some pretty fucked up things that I honestly didn't mean at all...and I told her I didn't mean it...but she doesn't believe me.
Sometimes I feel like Charlie from "Perks of being a wallflower". How when he says he finally understood the ending of that poem and how he didn't want to...and how he just didn't want to exist. I feel like that right now...I mean seriously...whats the point? My family can care less about me, I never talk to any of my friends anymore, I can't cheer my girlfriend up anymore...and when I do (or so I think), she still always looks sad. and it hurts so bad because most of the time shes sad is because of what i say. or do. I'm turning out to be more and more like how my mother used to be and I fucking hate it.
I can't stand waking up in the morning knowing that I won't make a difference...In what? I don't know...just anything...I hate the feeling of just wanting to stay in bed all day and just hide myself from the world. And I hate having nothing to do to keep myself busy so I don't feel like that. I've tried reading, but the books I read always seem to make me think and thats exactly what I'd be trying not to do. I've tried writing...but that just doesn't work anymore because I can't seem to get the words out. I've tried talking to my mom or my family but they just brush me off. Thats why I never tell anyone anything anymore, because I've always just been pushed to the side, so why would it be different this time. Either that or no one would understand and they'd just think I have problems. I hate feeling so angry all the time over nothing...I'd be fine one minute and the next I just feel so mad.
I hate how stupid people always complain about how horrible their lives are and how they just wanna die because they just got in a fight with their best friend, or their boyfriend/girlfriend left them. and they cut and show people just so they can get sympathy. and they call me stupid for feeling the same way they do over something more serious. They really have no idea what its like to be me.
I don't know what else to say... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2005|09:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Assfort | ] |
wow...live journal is pretty gay now. what happened to everyone? the only people who update are pathetic emo bitches complaining about how horrible their lives are. either that or stupid drug addicts talking about their last fix. this shit is gay as hell.
((No offense Monica about the hole emo comment. i still heart you alot. o.0)) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2005|08:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The hamster dance | ] |
Wow. Updating twice in one day. I must have no life.
But I did learn how to play Brown eyed girl. Awesome.
I'm so bored. Kinda. I dunno.
Yeah, there's no point in this entry. Hah. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 26th, 2005|02:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The hamster dance | ] |
Hahahaha, today was great. It started off shitty but then got better. 1st period sucked, 2nd period I watched Opra, 3rd period. Snowball fight. 4th period, personal finance. Funny as shit cause my friend ripped off the covering to the computer monitor cause it wouldn't turn on, 5th period I made funa fat people and sang to Allie on the phone. Hah. My friends were line dancing to my amazing song. 6th period sucked. 7th period, fucking hilarious. My friend Sam tilted her head back and spit trying to make it behind her and it landed on her forehead. Hah, it was great. Then when the bell rang my friend Anthony had to go to the bathroom so I was like "just piss behind the bleachers" so he did. Hah. Then 8th period me and Anthony discussed the Nazi culture with my study hall teacher. It was great. And she was like "There are a lot of 'n' word people in this school that aren't of the african american culture". Funny as hell. Okay, thats enuff of my boring day. Bout to chillz0rz with Rob. peace. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2005|08:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
I am so bored...I'm watching Troy somewhat. It's not that bad. Actually pretty funny.
Today was good. But in a way I'm kind of sad. Now I know what it feels like to be so close with the one you love...And just hold them...And joke around with them...and just look into their eyes...And it hurts cause I can't do that everyday. One day I'll be able to though... I wish I could speed up time so that day will come faster.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her...
It's kind of scary though...What if she finds someone so much better? I mean...It's gonna be 3 yrs until we move in together. So much can happen in that time frame. I just don't wanna lose her...I love her so much... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2004|11:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Helplessy Hoping- Crosby Stills and Nash (i think) | ] |
Let them say we're crazy.
I don't care about that.
Put your hand in my hand, baby, don't ever look back.
Let the world around us just fall apart.
Baby we can make it if we're heart to heart.
And we can build this thing together,
Stand in stone forever,
Nothing's gonna stop us now.
And if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have eachother.
Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now.
I'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose you,
Whatever it takes to stay here with you.
Take it to the good times,
See it through the bad times.
Whatever it takes is what I'm gonna do.
Let them say we're crazy.
What do they know?
Put your arms around me, baby, don't ever let go.
Let the world around us just fall apart.
Baby, we can make it if we're heart to heart.
Anyway. It's New Years Eve. obviously...Just got home not to long ago. It's been fun. =). This year has definately been great, but only for one reason. I fell in love. And it's gonna last forever.
I love you so much baby.
Happy New Year everyone. <3 |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2004|01:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Geto Boys- Damn it feels good to be a gangsta | ] |
Ahh, I'm so bored.
Today is gonna suck...I have to stay home all day. Same with tomorrow...But hopefully I'll be aloud out Friday. My parents don't trust me enough to let me out on New Years eve, but I don't see why. Do they honestly think I'd drink myself into a coma and then stumble in the house.
Well...that was last year, but I was with my brother, so that makes it okay. If I did it this year, my parents would never let me hang out with the STR people again. And that would totally suck.
Saturday...oi..the family comes over...the family I haven't seen in like 3 years...The spawns of Satan himself. >.<...My cousin Zach...I swear, if he's still a little douche bag and still hits his sister, I'm punching that little fuck in the face.
He's not a bad kid. He just doesn't know when to stop...I still love him, but he really pisses me the fuck off.
Anyway. I'm gangster today. =). Check it.
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
A real gangsta-ass nigga plays his cards right
A real gangsta-ass nigga never runs his fuckin mouth
Cuz real gangsta-ass niggas don’t start fights
And niggas always gotta high cap
Showin’ all his boys how he shot em
But real gangsta-ass niggas don’t flex nuts
Cuz real gangsta-ass niggas know they got em
And everythings cool in the mind of a gangsta
Cuz gangsta-ass niggas think deep
Up three-sixty-five a year 24/7
Cuz real gangsta ass niggas don’t sleep
And all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, cocksuckin’, pussy-eatin’ prankstas
Cuz when the fry dies down what the fuck you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Feedin’ the poor and hepin out wit they bills
Although I was born in jamaica
Now I’m in the us makin’ deals
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
I mean one that you don’t really know
Ridin’ around town in a drop-top benz
Hittin’ switches in my black six-fo’
Now gangsta-ass niggas come in all shapes and colors
Some got killed in the past
But this gangtsa here is a smart one
Started living for the lord and I’ll last
Now all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, pussy-eatin’ cocksuckin’ prankstas
When the shit jumps off what the fuck you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
A real gangta-ass nigga knows the play
Real gangsta-ass niggas get the flyest of the bitches
Ask that gangsta-ass nigga little jake
Now bitches look at gangsta-ass niggas like a stop sign
And play the role of little miss sweet
But catch the bitch all alone get the digit take her out
And then dump-hittin’ the ass with the meat
Cuz gangsta-ass niggas be the gang playas
And everythings quiet in the clique
A gangsta-ass nigga pulls the trigger
And his partners in the posse ain’t tellin’ off shit
Real gangsta-ass niggas don’t talk much
All ya hear is the black from the gun blast
And real gangsta-ass niggas don’t run for shit
Cuz real gangsta-ass niggas can’t run fast
Now when you in the free world talkin’ shit do the shit
Hit the pen and let the mothafuckas shank ya
But niggas like myself kick back and peep game
Cuz damn it feels good to be a gangsta
And now, a word from the president!
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Gettin voted into the white house
Everything lookin good to the people of the world
But the mafia family is my boss
So every now and then I owe a favor gettin’ down
Like lettin’ a big drug shipment through
And send ’em to the poor community
So we can bust you know who
So voters of the world keep supportin’ me
And I promise to take you very far
Other leaders better not upset me
Or I’ll send a million troops to die at war
To all you republicans, that helped me win
I sincerely like to thank you
Cuz now I got the world swingin’ from my nuts
And damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Yerp. I'm out. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|07:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brand New- Soco Amaretto Lime | ] |
Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored boredbored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
Can't stop thinking about her...Really can't wait to see her...I love you so much...
I need to learn new songs on the guitar...psh.
I finally mastered Poprocks and Coke. Awesome...
I dunno what I should do tomorrow...Hang out with Mark...or Becca and Tdawg. Or Crystal. >.<. I gotta sleep on it I guess.
My moms taking me into the city sometime this week. Either Wensday or Thursday. Should be fun.
This song kicks ass ((Brand New- Soco Amaretto Lime. heh.))
I'm gonna shut up. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2004|09:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Matchbook Romance- Tiger Lily | ] |
Today- Pretty cool but nothing beats christmas. it was amazing. But yeah, today I hung out with Mark, roger, billy, and andrea. that was cool. me mark roger and billy made another little fire in the woods. It was cool.
Tomorrow- Goin to marks again. yay
Tuesday- Hanging out with Becca and Tdawg I think. I'm not sure though.
After that I don't know. Probably relaxing the rest of the week until New Years. Then I'm goin to marks. Hopefully. I really hope so.
You brought existence
To what I never thought could be
A world where eternity finds description
I followed a dream only to be left in reality
You reminded me of the unexplainable
And then reshaped me by your beauty
Knowing you has reinvented love in my heart
The perfection of loves' true existence
Experienced for the first time
I tried so hard to wake from this dream
But instead realized that I never fell asleep
I love you so much. |
|
|
| Merry Christmas |
[Dec. 25th, 2004|11:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the beatles | ] |
Yes. Holy shit. They got me the electric guitar I've wanted for like fucking ever. I've never been so happy on christmas, its fucking amazing. I love it. =). And my dad bought me tickets to a concert last night. This is great. I love it...
Now alls I need to do is at least talk to that special someone and I'll be really happy. =)
Hm, called Amanda yesterday, she wasnt home =\. I'll try to call her again today sometime.
I needa take a shower. I'm out. |
|
|
| stolen from monica |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|07:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
Check if you're:
[x] bored.
[ ] happy......
[ ] swedish.
[ ] Hawaiian.
[ ] Samoan.
[ ] Filipino.
[ ] Korean.
[ ] British.
[x] white.
[ ] Canadian.
[ ] black.
[x] hispanic.
[ ] Irish.
[ ] Asian.
[ ] German.
[x] Italian.
[ ] French.
[x] a mutt or mix of everything.
[ ] Indonesian.
[ ] Jewish.
[ ] short.
[x] in between.
[ ] tall.
[ ] grounded.
[ ] sick.
[ ] mad.
[x] lazy.
[ ] single.
[x] taken.
[ ] looking.
[ ] currently sleeping with someone
[x] not looking.
[ ] brokenhearted.
[x] IMing someone.
[ ] scared to die.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy.
[x] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[x] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[ ] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[ ]listening to music.
[x] watching TV.
Have you...
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[x] kissed a member of the same sex.
[ ] crashed a friend's car.
[ ] been to Japan.
[ ] ridden in a taxi.
[x] been in love.
[x] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[x] been fired.
[x] been in a fist fight.
[x] snuck out of my parent's house.
[x] ever had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] ever dated someone of the same sex.
[x] had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] been arrested.
[ ] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from a job.
[ ] celebrated New Years in Times Square.
[ ] gone on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] been to Europe.
[x] skipped school.
[ ] slept with a co-worker.
[ ] been married.
[ ] gotten divorced.
[ ] had children.
[ ] seen someone die.
[ ] been to Africa.
[ ] had a crush on one of my myspace friends.
[ ] driven or flown over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/concert.
[ ] been to Canada.
[ ] been to Mexico.
[ ] been on a plane.
[x] seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] thrown up.
[x] purposely set a part of myself on fire
[x] been snowboarding.
[x] met someone in person from the internet.
[x] taken painkillers just to take painkillers
[x] intentionally burned yourself.
[x] miss someone right now
[x] kissed just a friend.
[ ] have a crush on anyone right now.
[x] ever been asked to a formal dance.
[x] sick and tired of the opposite sex.
Yeah, I was bored.
This is like...my third time updating. I have a life...not
I should be out right now. But no...Christmas eve and christmas is family time...
Sam should be calling me at like 8:30-9 to see whats up for tonight. I still have time to talk my parents into letting me out...but then again, do I want to go out? I just wanna sleep. I'm not really that tired, but it makes the day go by a lot faster. I can't wait til sunday. >.<. Bye |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|05:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I am really sad and I don't know why...
Confusion fucking sucks.
=\...
I miss you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|03:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Annoying Christmas music | ] |
Wee. Vacation time. Amazing vacation time I might add. Lets see...
Today- Nephews birthday, staying home and keeping family company
Tomorrow- Unwrapping shit in the morning, in the afternoon going over my aunts house. Get to see some of my cousins.
Sunday- Marks house. heh.
After that I'm not sure. But I know I have plans. Sometime through out the week I'm hanging out with my gay friend Kyle. That kid's pretty cool.
New years eve- If my parents don't let me go out, it's gonna suck. I'm not sure where I'm going yet. But I hope they let me go out.
Well. My dad bought me tickets to go see Matchbook Romance in March. yay.
I'm so bored.
I'm out.
I love you and I miss you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|07:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Scratched Vinyl Innocence- Yesterday | ] |
Yesterday was so amazing...One of the best days of my life
I really don't know what else to say. I'm really tired. So I didn't go to school. So maybe I should sleep?
Yeah. Well. I'm out.
I love you so much. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|10:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Some spiritual shit my brothers listening to | ] |
Yep. It's been a while. Still grounded. Which sucks ass...
Been thinking alot. I'm not gonna give up because I'm realizing I'm not a weak person. And for those of you who don't believe in me you could go fuck yourselves.
So yeah. I'm gonna start trying in school. And I'm done with the drugs.
It seems like the only support I have is from Allie and Krys. Looks like they're the only ones who believe in me. Besides my sister. I'm gonna change. I'm gonna prove to everyone that they're wrong about me. I am gonna amount to something. And I'm gonna be strong.
I just hate people sometimes. I really do.
I need new friends. Like seriously. Most of the friends I got just bring me down. I'm sick of it. After me being there for them through what they went through. They can't be there for me. Especially when I need them most. It's fucked up.
I just don't care anymore. I know that if it were anyone else experiencing what I am they wouldn't be able to handle it. So yeah. I believe in myself. That's all that matters.
Anyway.
Amanda- Whats up? How ya been? I'm gonna try to call you sometime. So yeah, expect a phone call from me soon. Just tell me whens to late to call.
I really miss Allie =\...I hope I get to see her Tuesday
Yeah. I'm done. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2004|04:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cannibal Corpse | ] |
god dammit. I'm not aloud on the computer what so ever now. or the phone. With good reason though...The school said i can finish out this yr but next yr they dont want me back. wow. so that takes away the thought of dropping out since i got kicked out. they said i can turn it around if i do better but theres no point. well. im out. my moms coming home soon.
Amanda- I'll call you as soon as i have access to a phone. And if I can get to a computer i'll check out ur journal. mucho love gangsta. <33
I love you and I really can't wait to see you tomorrow. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|10:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Matchbook Romance- Tiger lily | ] |
Hah, my mom was just like "Now that you have nothing to hide why don't you keep your hair out of your eyes so you can look normal." I was like "Dude, mom...I am normal, and I keep telling you I need a hair cut but you just don't listen. So what do you expect me to do. And I wasn't 'hiding' myself cause I'm gay". She seems to think the reason I'm so distant sometimes is cause I'm not straight. Which isn't true. But whatever.
Hm...Ionno what else to say. I feel really emo right now. Not to mention really alone. =\...
I think there's something wrong with me. I can't really explain it. Nothing mentally. Just physically. Maybe cause I don't eat? Ionno.
Well...I'm gonna go try to sleep. I doubt it'll happen. But whatever.
I love you and I miss you so much. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|12:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Senses Fail- One Eight Seven | ] |
It's the way you make me feel
The way that you make me feel
Spinning my world around
Tell me how can I walk away
I don't care what they say
I'm loving you anyway
It's the way you make me feel
Hm...Just felt like posting that. Nothing to say. So I'm out.
I love you so much |
|
|
| Amazing song. |
[Nov. 13th, 2004|04:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Sick and kinda sad =\... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bright Eyes- The calendar hung itself | ] |
This is one of Bright Eyes greatest songs. I'm bored. So I'm posting it.
It was in the march of the winter I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place
So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep
But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.
I will be pure
No, no, I know i will be pure
Like snow, like gold
Bright Eyes-No lies just love |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2004|03:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Disturbed- Down with the sickness (my dads listening to it) | ] |
Okay well. I don't know when I'm grounded til. My dad asked me what I would do and I told him if I were him I'd ground me for about 2 weeks. He said he'd talk to my mom about it.
There's one thing I'm not doing in school. And thats the work I missed. I might do the easy stuff, but I'm gonna be so lost in algebra so I'm not gonna bother doing that.
I'm so bored. There's like nothing to do. My brother had to exchange his xbox cause it was acting weird. So when he gets back I'm gonna kick his ass in some games.
My dad made me take orange juice with 20 drops of GSE in it to help me feel better by tomorrow. The stuff works but it's so nasty. It's worth it though cause I hate being sick.
I seriously need to go to my sisters house either today or tomorrow. >.<. I don't know if I can handle another day on the bus without my CD player.
My dads singing. It's annoying.
I wanna go back to sleep and have the same dreams that I did last night. They were amazing.
My dad said he still might let me go see Senses Fail, which would be completely kick ass.
Hm. This entry is going no where. So I'm out.
I love you and I miss you so much. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
poolxofxsorrows's journal